you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
