I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
