I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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