I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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