I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
