Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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