so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
