Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
