I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
My vagina is officially offended.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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