No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
