Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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