why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
This baby is an asshole
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
