Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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