turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
