Your face is a jimmy john
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
