i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
