There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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