just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
