so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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