I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
