were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
