got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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