I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I think I just shit out all my problems.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
