I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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