I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Randomize
