I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
