Sry I called you an 8
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
