i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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