She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
