And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
