Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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