i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
