I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
