So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
