This dress was meant to end up on your floor
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
