Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
