I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
did i walk over a car last night?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
