You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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