Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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