I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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