it was like having sex with a tree stump
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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