I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
