just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
