I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
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There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
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Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
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