There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
