I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
even my farts smell like vagina
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
