My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
