how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
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i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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