did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
