dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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