Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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