Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
