The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
