I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
