I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
