I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
