we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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